nikki overdosed twice in his life. once in london and once in his house. in london he just got done playing a concert so him and a couple of his junkie friends decided to go to a party. drugs were everywhere and nikki let one of the shoot him up. bad idea. he overdosed immediatly so one of them grabbed a baseball bat and started beating him. they took him downstairs to the alley and threw him in the dumpster. since he was bleeding profusely from being beat the drugs started pouring out of his blood. eventually he came to. the second time he overdosed he was in his house and one of his friends called the ambulance and they used epinephrine to bring him back he was dead for several minutes. in between these two deaths he was clean for several weeks but when he went back on tour he got extremely strung out again. his accountant told him that if he kept using heroin he would be broke in 11 months if not dead. he spent for five thousand dollars a day on drugs a lone. finally he got off and got clean. he wrote this book for all of the people that are on drugs and feel like there is no hope. he wants everyone to know what he went through and how he got back on the right track. he new is writing music for motley crue and his new band sixx am. the new sixx am cd is over this book every song is about a chapter in this book if you get the chance read the book and listen to the cd it really makes you feel what he went through.

in this book nikki talks about his band a lot and how he made his songs. nikki writes all of the songs for motley crue he comes up with the guitar parts the lyrics everything. when he was on junk was during the girls girls girls album and the shout at the devil tour. he says that when your on junk writing doesnt even sound fun you cant get your mind off of heroin long enough to write a song. when your on heroin its all you think abut and its basically your life. but the best song he wrote while he was drugged was wild side. he used to mess around with a catholic school girl quite a bit he'd go pick her up on his motorcycle for her lunch break and they would go well you know and he asked her to give him a copy of the lords prayer. nikki used it and twisted it and turned it into the song wild side. when nikki was on heroin everyone knew it wasnt exactly something you could hide. nobody wanted to confront him though. nikki was the reason for cashflow with motley crue. everybody thought if they said something to him he would quit so nobody did. nikki would go to the bathroom during studio sessions to shoot up quite a bit and everyone knew what was happening but no one would say a thing.

Nikki describes himself as having two personalities, one he calls nikki and the other he calls sikki. nikki is the normal person but sikki is his personality when he gets high. when hes high everything goes insane his whole life spirals into chaos and when he comes back down all he wants to do is get high again. nikki would use cocaine but then when he got too high his hallucinations got the best of him. he would quickly go to his heroin den and shoot up. eventually he would be so addicted that he would shoot up until his veins collapsed and he would shoot up in his neck his legs his feet and even his penis. vanity is his girlfriend she was a former dancer for prince and she even dated him for a while. nikki saw her on tv once and said she was hot so he called his management and told them to arrange a meeting and from then off the were two junkies in a syringe. the first time you use heroin you throw up and your head spins and you say to yourself this is the stupidest drug ever but nikki kept at it and now he gets sick when he doesnt have it. he does heroin because his heroes did it so why shouldnt he? heroin to him was like a warm bloanket on a cold night .

he starts the actual book (the first blog was the prologue) by him saying its december 1986 and hes crouched naked under a christmas tree with needles stuck in his arms. this was the point where his addiction was extremely high and still escalating. he started this diary so he can remember what he did the day before and so if he dies he left everybody that knew him a nice little suicide note. the room in his house where he spends most of his time is his bedroom closet. he calls it his heroin den. most of his childhood he compares to the song search and destroy by iggy and the stooges because he always thought his childhood was a self destructed downward spiral which led him to the person he is now... an addict. when he started mixing drugs it took him to a really dark place but nikki seemed to like it more than anyother person doing it with him. when he gets high he darts straight to his closet and his hallucinations are so bad that he thinks people are after him sometimes its swat or midgets even mexicans.

nikki starts the book by telling us about his band motley crue. he tells us about his past and how his family basically abandoned him. he believes he was always destined to be a drug addict. he always said alcohol acid cocaine... they were just affairs. when i met heroin it was true love.
his dad left when he was 3 and his mom would leave him for guys she met out of the blue. also he missed his grandmothers funeral so he could freebase. at the point where his addiction was highest he wrote a diary and later he turned it into this book.

chapter 26

the end of this story is just holdin talking about him going home and getting very sick and going to a rest home. his brother visits him often and he says hes supposed to start school again here soon. then he talks about all of the people he misses.

chapter 25

in this chapter holdin is feeling extremely overwhelmed with everything thats going on he cant deal with allies death. he finds himself crossing a street and calling allies name. he imagines himself moving out west and being away from civilization completely. after this he goes and gets phoebe out of school and takes her to the museum. once they get there he sees graffitti all over the walls and everytime it makes him more and more depressed. he then passes out on his way to the bathroom he gets up and finds phoebe again and tells her to go to the zoo with him she agrees even though they walk on seperate sides of the streets. once they finally get over the whole thing he convinces phoebe to ride on a courosel.

chapter 24

holdin goes to new york to visit his english teacher and his wife. once again he is questioned about pencey prep and why he was expelled. he tells them the same old crap he tells everyone else when they ask about his expulsion. he starts questioning holdin but then his wife comes in with coffee just in time. then he starts telling him that he needs to straighten up or else he is going to crash. after talking a bit more holdin falls asleep and wakes up to his teacher stroking his head but then leaves quickly when he thinks he's making a move on him.
Is holdin going to listen to him and get help or just keep going on?

chapter 23

he leaves again to call one of his many english teachers he said that he was the only one to go up to his friends body after he jumped. then he walked back into phoebes room and asks her to dance but then he hears his parents come home and jumps in his sisters closet and waits until he can leave. she gives him her christmas money and he leaves on his way to new york.
holdin was already home why didnt he just confront his parents?

chapter 22

after smoking he goes back to phoebe and finally gets her to listen to his reasoning. She doesn't really care what he has to say though she just keeps accusing him of hating everything and tries to get him to find things he likes. then he starts thinking about the past day and a kid he used to know who died. he brings up allie again and she yells back that hes dead and she wonders what he wants to do and he thinks about the tune the young boy was singing that day.
holdin seems to tthink about peoples death a lot and always brings allie back in to it.

chapter 21

holdin arrives at his house and looks for phoebe but she isnt in her own room instead shes in dbs. he sees phoebe sleeping in his bed and he says that she looks so peaceful unlike adults do when they sleep. he starts going through her stuff and reading her school work. phoebe then wakes up and is extremely happy to see him. she starts telling him about all o fthe stuff thats been happening to her lately like a bully and her recent play. then she finally realizes that holdin must have gotten kicked out of school and then she starts yellin at him and he finally leaves to go smoke.
i thought he said that phoebe understood everything he said.

chapter 20

after his last confrontation holdin gets wasted and calls sally but ends up pissing off her and her grandmother. then he starts askin everybody and their dog for a date. he then walks to the duck pond he keeps talking about but on the way he breaks phoebes record and gets really angry. he starts imagining his funeral and then talks about how he missed allies funeral because he was in the hospital because of his hands. holdin then talks about going to visit his grave with his parents. after that he goes home to talk to phoebe.
its about time he went home.

chapter 19

when he gets to the wicker bar holdin starts to ponder about luce. he remembers how he always used to talk about sex back in school and also how he thought luce was a phony. luce arrives and holdin starts to pester him with questions about sex but luce wont give in and he tells holdin that he needs to talk to a shrink about his problems. luce says his dad is a shrink and will help holdin but then leaves when holdin asks about his father and him.
why doesnt holdin just take the help he needs it anyway?

chapter 18

after holdin leaves sally he goes to get something to eat at a nearby drugstore. he thinks about calling jane againg but decides not to. then he remembers a dance he went to and saw her dancing with a boy that had some disorder. after that he goes to see a movie and remembers how him and allie used to like the drum player. after the movie holdin goes to meet carl a friend he called earlier in the day to have a couple drinks with. then he starts thinking about allie and war.
holdin needs to figure out something dealing with allie because he needs to get passed his death.

chapter 17

holdin goes to meet sally later in the afternoon at the biltmore hotel. she looks very good but is late but he doesnt care. they hop in a taxi and make out for a while on the way to the theatre. when they get there he says to himself that the actors annoy him because theyre too good for their own good. holdin gets angry because sally is flirting with some other boy during the break of the show but the he agrees to take her ice skating. after theyre done ice skating holdin just starts to freak out and keeps changing the tone of his voice he starts to scare sally when he says that they should just run away together. then he calls sally a royal pain in the ass and she starts to cry and he tries to apologize but then he just leaves.

after that he goes to for a walk and thinks about the nuns and how selfless they are. he goes to buy phoebe a record and says that a black blues singer sings it and says that he likes it. he also thinks that phoebe is perfect and that she just seems to get everything he says. then he sees a boy singing a song and it cheers him up. he decides to call up jane but cant go through with it when her mom answers the phone. then he goes to buy tickets for his date to a show. after that he goes down to the park to see if he could find phoebe and he meets a girl that knows her. she says that she went on a field trip to the museum but then remembers that that was the day before. holdin decides to go to the museum anyway.
why doesnt holdin just go visit phoebe?

chapter 15

holdin wakes up and calls sally, she agrees to meet him for lunch. holdin packs up and checks out of the hotel. he leaves his stuff in a locker but is worried he might lose his stuff. he starts talking about his dad and then his mom and how she hasnt felt too great since allie died. then he starts worrying about his mom and him being expelled. then he goes to eat breakfast and sees two nuns he decides to go and talk to them. they start talking about romeo and juliet, and holdin gives them 10 dollars and then realizes that he doesnt have any money to pay for his date and says money just depresses people.
religion seems to be a big topic on holdins mind, is it because allie died and he needs someone to look to?

chapter 14

holdin has a couple cigarettes before he goes to bed and ponders about allie again. he remembers one time when he was playing a game with his bb gun and allie wanted to play but he refused and he starts to feel really guilty about it now. then he hears a knock at the door so he gets up to answer it and its the elevator dude. he demands the extra 5 bucks that sunny wanted. holdin refuses and maurice shoves him up against the wall and and punches him in the groin. then he punches him in the stomach and sunny takes the money out of his wallet and they leave. holdin lays on the ground and feels like a gangster that just got shot in the stomach and feels he needs to get revenge. eventually he gets up and goes to bed.
i thought holdin said he didnt like confrontation so why does he insult maurice?

13

holdin leaves ernies and decides to walk home because he doesnt want to get in and out of a cab again. on the way home he starts thinking about some gloves he had stolen. he also thinks about what he'd do to the theif but then admits he probably wouldnt do anything because he is a coward. he says hed rather cut off somebodys head with an ax than punch him in the face. when he finally gets to the hotel he hops in the elevator and the elevator dude offers him a prostitue for five dollars he says yes though immediatly ashamed for agreeing. he goes back up to his room and gets cleaned up then the prostitue comes. he gets really nervous and upset and tells her to leave and tells her he just had surgery. she asks for 10 dollars but he only gives her 5.
what was the importance of the gloves?

chapter 12

after reminicing over jane he went up stairs to his room and then leaves he gets a cab and his driver is named horwitz he starts talking to horwitz and starts to like him he asks him a couple questions and asks him to join him for a drink. He then asks him about the ducks but this makes horwitz angry. he takes him to ernies, a bar him and db used to go to. he listens to ernie play piano but he doesnt like it because he thinks sometimes people are too good they're full of themselves he starts listening to peoples conversation and he even meets a girl but he leaves the bar depressed.
do bars really make him feel better or do they make his problems worse?

chapter 11

Holdin goes into the lobby and immediatly thinks about jane. he thinks about their dog always going to the bathroom on their lawn and his mom getting so angry. he went over to janes house and sees her sitting there angry and he tells her that he could care less where her dog pissed even if it was in the living room. after that they started hanging out more and got pretty close. one time they were at janes house playing checkers he said she always kept her kings in the back again and janes stepfather came out asking for cigarettes. she didnt say anything and finally he left then jane started to cry and holdin got her to sit down by him on the couch and he started kissing her and trying to make her atleast feel better. that was the closest those two ever got. he says they always held hands and that when they held hands it was perfect they never even had to switch positions.
If jane is one of the only people that can make holdin happy why doesnt he just go and see her?

chapter 10

Holdin was just shut down by faith so he decides to go down stairs to the lavender room. He meets three women sitting down at a table and says all three were ugly. then he changes his mind and says the blond one isn't so bad. the waiter comes over and asks him what he wants to drink he says rum and coke but the waiter wont give it too him because he knows he's under age. he goes over and asks the blond one to dance, it takes some convincing but finally she gives in and dances with him. He thinks she is a great dancer. he keeps trying to talk to her but its too loud and she isnt listening and she keeps replying what. holdin kisses her on the head and she freaks out. they go back and sit with her friends. everybody leaves and then holdin goes into the lobby.
is holdin really so alone that he will go up to anybody just for some confrontation with another person?